The past month or so has brought me through many ups and downs, mountains and valleys. That’s normal. That’s life. If I’m being honest though, the mountains felt very short, and there were so many low valleys. It seemed like as I kept going, I was moving slower and slower. I was weighed down. Reading felt like a check off my daily to-dos, and praying felt like a list of blessings and needs.
On Thursday morning I went to Alternative Chapel, another check off my weekly to-do. As always, the service was “good.” However, the closing worship hit me deeper than it ever had in the recent weeks. As the words to It Is Well by Bethel Music came from my lips, it felt like a lie. My eyes were not on Him, and that didn’t feel well with my soul. As I lifted my hands in surrender and began to sing, I felt a sentence put on my heart.
“Why are you trying to climb the mountains I said I would move?”
Now I wouldn’t say I had “turned away” from God. I hadn’t renounced my faith, or anything drastic. I didn’t have some dirty secret. I had simply fallen into a place many Christians seem to visit at one point or another. I had stopped authentically trusting God. I had begun to climb mountains that I wasn’t patient enough for Him to move. It wasn’t one specific moment. Day by day, I had just begun to think about everything I need to do more than I thought about everything He’s doing. I spent time dwelling on things I couldn’t change. I would tell God that I was laying things at His feet, then I would pick them up and keep walking. Worries, fears, to-do lists, hopes, dreams, plans. All the things I was carrying was weighing me down. None of them were incredibly sinful, but they were distracting me from the present. I was holding onto what God had told me He would handle. I was so focused on balancing what I was carrying that I wasn’t focusing on Him or on the opportunities that were right in front of me. I hope none of this sounds familiar, but it probably has at some point. Authentic trust is so hard.
I wish there was an easy fix. I wish I could tell you that laying things at God’s feet means that they are erased from your mind, that worry won’t poke at you, that there are no distractions. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. However, there is hope. As a college student, laying down my fears and plans for the future seems impossible. It feels like questions about my major and my post-graduation plans are thrown at me every day. How am I supposed to survive after graduation if I’m laying my plans down at His feet? Well, the good news is that He has a great plan for my life. I have a (somewhat) of a plan too, but I regularly remind myself that my plan needs to be flexible. I have to continuously keep in mind that I have a Heavenly Father who speaks to and guides His children. My plan is being taken apart and molded into His plan. This requires us to be vulnerable to God. We’re not abandoning our dreams, because many of those dreams are given to us by Him. Instead, we’re giving Him permission to make the changes that He knows are best. These changes don’t always look normal to us, and they don’t always make sense immediately. That’s a big part of where the trust comes in. Sometimes trust isn’t expecting Him to just fix everything and perform a miracle. Sometimes it looks more like saying, “Okay God, tell me what I need to do and help me do it.” It’s His Will being done through us, piece by piece.